Vanilla Haze

Voldemort kills Burbage on pg. 12.
Hedwig gets fursecuted by an unnamed Death Eater on pg. 56.
George Weasley loses an ear.
Mad-Eye is shot in the face with a killing curse and falls off his broom, confirmed dead on pg. 78.
Ron cockblocks Harry on page 99. Harry, being the powerful wizard he has become decides that his relationship with his best friend is more important than going back to foreplay with Ginny.
Scrimgeour is confirmed dead on pg. 159.
Wormtail becomes an hero when his own silver hand chokes him to death on pg. 471.
Ted Tonks (father of Nymphadora Tonks) dies.
Dobby gets shanked by Bellatrix on pg. 476.
Snape gets bitten on the neck by Nagini, dies on pg. 658. Turns out he was good all along.
Fred Weasley gets blown up, dies on pg. 637 (Percy cries like a bitch).
Harry is pwned by Voldemort on pg. 704.
Hangs out with Dumbledore, comes back to life on pg. 724.
Voldemort’s own spell backfires on him (WHAT A FUCKING NUB), unintentionally making him an hero on pg. 744.
Bellatrix Lestrange is killed by Molly Weasley on pg. 736 
Tonks, Lupin, and Colin Creevy have their deaths confirmed on pg. 745.
The Sword of Griffindor can destroy Horcruxes because it has basilisk venom or some shit inside it.
Ron destroys Slytherin’s locket with said sword.
Hufflepuff’s cup was in Gringotts.
Ravenclaw’s Crown was in the Room of Requirement, Goyle, Crabbe, sets everything on fire and kills himself.
HARRY WAS THE LAST HORCRUX OMFG!!!
Neville finally grows some balls, and cuts off Nagini’s head.
Tonks and Lupin have a son.
Bill and Fleur have a daughter.
Ron has married Hermione, their two children are named Rose and Hugo.
Harry has married Ginny, their three children are named Lily, James, and Albus Severus. All were conceived anally.
Draco Malfoy has a son named Scorpius.
The final lines are, “I looked at my kingdom I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.”
Harry, a grossly fat middle-aged man who looks like Pruitt Taylor Vince, wakes in his cell at a psychiatric institution, discovering that the whole thing was only a dream, and begins to self-mutilate his forehead with a zig-zag cut.